All in all today I am successfull in all that I set my mind on to do. I'm now 54. I was left out of the loop as to her condition and was very depressed. My mom and dad talked about my fear of abandonment and decided not to go on long vacations together anymore, because I always become unstable when they do. My hope is that you will gain new insight into your loved ones condition and grow in compassion and understand for both your loved one AND yourself, as this is not an easy road. The case workers I had treated me no better. Tonight tho as she is in the psych ward I feel as tho my world is crashing down around me. I wish you peace. You havebecome a homemaker, a mother and a wife. Every single time you embrace my stable days when I'm the peachiest version of me you ever get to experience. I asked myself, how can someone with four beautiful children and a stunning wife feel this way? It appears you entered an invalid email. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition. I am sorry for giving you a false perception of reality. This letter really hits hard. While these cries for help should be taken seriously, we understand that you may experience burn out from worrying about us and the repeated behavior. Thankyou, once again, for putting your heart and soul open for us to share.xx. People will tell you that whatever you did was your fault, and you will believe it, but they dont and cant understand how hard you fought to keep control. I guess I'm not doing that well enough. I love this person, but the situation can be so hurtful. The Perks of Being a Borderline Resilient, Got BPD? Why is BPD hard to diagnose and really not curable? But at least we're acknowlodging it and it's *&^$%&$& hard! Best of luck! Showing your love and support will make them more willing to see your point of view and help them understand your desire for healthy boundaries. Explore the different options for supporting NAMI's mission. I NEVER RELAX. I am 26 years old, I live in Wichita, KS, and I live with my father because I cannot live alone. I had an outstanding relationship with her with much in common and few if any disagreements to the extent that I am totally convinced that she was 'the one' for me (I'm a 48 year old man that has been around the block enough to be a good judge of this) and am not entirely prepared to give up on her. I wish my girlfriend had been able to do what you have done, she fought for me for a long time, but it just became to much for her. | by Marissa Young | Medium Write Sign up Sign In 500 Apologies, but something went wrong on our end. I feel like when i want to say something my mouth just won't move. No one from the hospital has ever contacted me about her condition or treatment plan, I have been left totally in the dark and out of her recovery. There is a lot of misconception out there about BPD. If only we all got it laid out like this. That is certainly not easy. This is called dissociation. It will be a long road, but she will need the support of her family. I know someone with BPD and reading the blogs of people who have BPD and are writing their inner thoughts help me to understand what is going through the mind of someone who has BPD. Help your loved one through their BPD. In the interest of our child, I have put him into therapy. I could have given it to my husband and things may have been different. Linda, thank you for taking the time to share these thoughts, as they will no doubt help others who read this post and scroll down to see your comment. In the past when she gets to busy she ends up in the hospital. over the years I couldn't figure out why I did the thjngs I did and people dealing with my behaviors would always resort to calling me crazy. What stands out for me is HOPE! An open letter to family and friends regarding the person they know with Borderline Personality Disorder, Manipulative, attention-seeking, dramatic, broken, crazy. This is coming from the mouth of the same guy who proposed to me last year. I suffered massive trauma throughout my life but particularly when i was 16 years old. I know others requested to share it and I too would love to share it with a client, or perhaps imply put it up on the wall in my office =) Are you comfortable with it?I wish you skillful means. He left me nearly 4 weeks ago.It's over now. We provide you with a list of stored cookies on your computer in our domain so you can check what we stored. Not what i wanted but almost lost all since of myself. My wife has BPD, and she sent me a link to this article so I could understand it better. BPD is what happens when we get sucked under the waves and can't breathe. Check to enable permanent hiding of message bar and refuse all cookies if you do not opt in. Overall, being an event planner can provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment for individuals with BPD. They have a higher risk of suicide and self-destructive behavior. I have BPD but don't currently have any medical insurance to be treated. I'm looking forward to reading more of your blog. I am about to go to my brothers wedding and a ton of my family will be there. Mental health Carers Helpline. It can indeed be inspiring to read these stories. In my experience, one of the most effective ways of doing this is to find someone who as gone through the DBT treatment to share some of their experiences with potential or new clients. When crises occur, family members can help achieve emotional stability by encouraging slow breathing to reduce pressure. There are other online DBT resources starting up (I will be co-facilitating one of them!) But I would like to point out that I am not (neither are other people with this disorder) hopeless to date. I am a DBT therapist and work on an intensive DBT unit with adolescents. I want you to know that despite the poor choices, the exhaustion and what you've seen as laziness, I have loved you through it. My mother has to pretty much do the same thing. Thank you for writing this. Debbie, Hi Anne thank you for commenting. But its not your fault. After a few hours he will then realize the hurt he caused me and then he'd apologize. I hope that your sister receives the help that she needs and that you and your family get the support you deserve as well. DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. You are not the cause of our suffering. Our brains literally disconnect, and our thoughts go somewhere else, as our brains are trying to protect us from additional emotional trauma. . We may request cookies to be set on your device. From someone that has been through it it means a lot. Not all of the situations I described apply to all people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Debbie you have said what we all struggle to say. Find out how you can be a NAMI HelpLine specialist. Other have said it, but I need to add my voice Thank you for writing this. I admire all of you, everyone of you, that can speak out! Don't give up on YOU. I got new "tools" to manage my feelings and how I feel about my self. Maybe we should bandage our heads and hearts. I wish you peace. I love them so much but I am so lost. She acts more like she's about 16 most of the time. Dear Friends, Family Members, Lovers, Ex-lovers, Coworkers, Children, and others of those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder. It is a true fact that the Princess of Wales has reported a borderline personality disorder. After experiencing a lack of support at work, Beth became a champion for workplace mental health. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. 1. These cookies collect information that is used either in aggregate form to help us understand how our website is being used or how effective our marketing campaigns are, or to help us customize our website and application for you in order to enhance your experience. Doing a lot of reading keep reading things like don't get bogged down on the details, focus on her emotions, don't get defensive. Thank you so much for writing this, I am putting it everywhere I can. The mind is very complex. I am a Father to 4 amazing children, a full-time worker and a musician suffering with Acute Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder. I know it always comes out wrong. I feel like they deserve better and that I have failed miserably. But what the BPD sees as abandonment, we see as self care (which ironically is one of the suggestions handed down in this open letter). I scream out (or maybe I don't) and no one knows what the heck I'm talking about. I feel forsaken by both her and the hospital that is supposed to be helping her, but has instead ruined our marriage. It's only a matter of time before DBT is more readily available and accesible. BPD, Trauma, and WHY the f*#k did I just say that?! An Open Letter to "Non BPDs" from those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder: Dear Friends, Family Members, Lovers, Ex-lovers, Coworkers, Children, and others of those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder, You may be frustrated, feeling helpless, and ready to give up. Someone needs groceries, even if I barely have enough money to feed myself? Win a copy of my new book, Stronger Than BPD! Great job!!! So when a parent exhibits BPD symptoms, and the child becomes the target of these behaviors, it impacts who they are and who they will become. It makes a difference for us!! She remained in a crisis unit for two weeks without any contact. That still doesn't negate the real pain that people with BPD do cause. You always can block or delete cookies by changing your browser settings and force blocking all cookies on this website. I had promised not to disturb her, but a few minutes later I realized I'd left the book I was reading in the bedroom, so I lightly tapped on the door. I also shared this letter with my husband so that maybe he will have a better understanding of what I go through. Once diagnosed BPD, always BPD. All Rights Reserved. I had no hope in life, no future as it seemed. You deserve to understand more about this condition and what we wish we could say but may not be ready. I was lonely, worried and scared. Should I also even bother being a counselor if I am like this? I have spent a lot of money and resources to help her in every way, only to be treated like trash. However, when they are presented in a manner as if the struggle somehow evaporates at the end is not logical, because life is never so linear. I just want to Scream at the both of them saying how the hell can you both do this!!!!???? He wanted to change so bad I can see the frustration in his eyes each time he hurt people with his words. Borderlines do not know how to cope with intimacy - it leaves them feeling engulfed. Dear Debbie, i am so glad that i found you letter. There were some days I was too depressed to go to school or to study, and there were many times I thought "how can I help others if I'm such a mess?" People with BPD may experience just a few or all of these common signs and symptoms: Extreme or unstable emotions. I wish you all the best. I have been reading many different sites and randomly came to your blog tonight. My girlfriend has BPD, and I've been at my wits' end, not knowing how to deal with it. We had to behave in ways that would please the caregiver at any given moment in order to stay safe and survive. I hope your husband is able to open his heart and read the letter. You can find even more stories on our Home page. Did the self-medicating thing too. He said many times that he wanted to show me love and treat me right but he thinks that his selfishness and pride are preventing him to do so. Everyday I sit with teenage girls in crisis, and oftentimes I think they struggling to find the words you expressed so eloquently in your letter. It's all chaos. How I did not walk out at that moment is beyond me. My own experience with my BPD mother was one in which my father, siblings and I were often blamed for her erratic behavior and unstable feelings. BPD expert and author, Randi Kreger, likens it to "having 'aural dyslexia,' in which they hear words and sentences backwards, inside out, sideways, and devoid of context.". I handle things differently thru all the therapy and med changesI still wish it to go away..since now have Bipolar tendencies and PTSD isn't this all pretty much the same stuff and the rollercoaster is ongoing? In addition to learning more about BPD and how to self-care around it, be sure to do things that you enjoy and that soothe you, such as getting out for a walk, seeing a funny movie, eating a good meal, taking a warm bath whatever you like to do to care for yourself and feel comforted. A person with BPD can act in impulsive and often dangerous ways. Thank you for sharing your experience, and wishing you healing and recovery in your family. One of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder is an intense fear of being abandoned, and we therefore (often unconsciously) sometimes behave in extreme, frantic ways to avoid this from happening. Tonight I started to think: Maybe he's just giving me time to cool down after the last contact we had, and then he'll be in touch. Can't take their word for anything. Boredom is often dangerous for us, as it can lead to the feelings of emptiness. "People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Its difficult, after all, to relate to others properly when you dont have a solid understanding of yourself and who you are, apart from everyone else around you. We may do very dramatic things, such as harming ourselves in some way (or threatening to do so), going to the hospital, or something similar. Hello thank you so much for sharing. Forgot those important facts. I tried to be responsible. You deserve to feel safe. As you note, they benefit from the mystery around BPD bc they can more easily confuse people, induce sympathy and get people to excuse their abuse etc. 4301 Wilson Blvd., Suite 300 I thank you for writing this. I am a mess. But working also adds more stressors to an already stressed out life. I know all the theory now. I have had to go No Contact because when I do contact him, my addiction to him leaves me suicidal with depression. I had no idea what the heck it meant to have BPD. Someone with BPD might feel fine one second and then really angry or upset the next. It is very well written and to the point. Thanks for commenting. Thanks. , I agree with your insights and appreciate that you took the time to comment here. Whenever that happens it takes her many days to recover, during which periods she will vacillate between seeming to be okay, and seething, and saying things like "I don't trust you. Love, Linda <3. ~ Dave M. This comment has been removed by the author. You can see glimpses and more and more of who that person really is over time, if you dont give up. Another thing that you may find confusing is our apparent inability to maintain relationships. I was in denial until 27 years old. They are conditioned to see the behavior as normal and often times they are terrorized by the behavior. I haven't heard from her privately for weeks since. This is an open letter to anyone willing and/or needing to listen. I just want to add another thank you for writing this. My hope is that you will gain new insight into your loved ones condition and grow in compassion and understand for both your loved one AND yourself, as this is not an easy road. being transgendered i was unable to get appropriate medical help because i was told my gender disphoria was "identity disturbance". . Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement." Marsha M. Lineham This semester one of the classes I am taking is titled "Intimate Relationships," a course in which the objective is to inform students about This seems to be at the crux of NPD, the refusal to show vulnerability. Armon, what a kind, loving husband you are. , Rainbow, I am so pleased and happy that this letter will be helpful to you. My ex has BDP. All i can say is it is a very long process. Spot on insight!! Thank you for reading this. We're currently in the middle of another episode as I write this. Paranoia or emotional detachment. At times I've felt as if, emotionally, I were being held hostage. I tried telling them what I KNEW I needed treatment wise, but because it wasn't available to me, they kept telling me I just didn't WANT to get better and wouldn't take the help offered even though I actually did go through all the groups offered, which didn't help because of the other issues I struggled with which they just said was BPDit wasn't. I don't think it is heartless that you've chosen to put your family first and set boundaries that is healthy! It's thought. There is no one in this area who practices DBT. I am a non that just recently gave up after 4 years of chaos. It's kind of just an awesome miracle that I've come as far as I have. She stopped answering my calls when I wanted to know if she would be home for dinner and made excuses to avoid me, staying out until 10 or 11 pm and leaving at 7am each morning. The following are trademarks of NAMI: NAMI, NAMI Basics, NAMI Connection, NAMI Ending the Silence, NAMI FaithNet, NAMI Family & Friends, NAMI Family Support Group, NAMI Family-to-Family, NAMI Grading the States, NAMI Hearts & Minds, NAMI Homefront, NAMI HelpLine, NAMI In Our Own Voice, NAMI On Campus, NAMI Parents & Teachers as Allies, NAMI Peer-to-Peer, NAMI Provider, NAMI Smarts for Advocacy, Act4MentalHealth, Vote4MentalHealth, NAMIWalks and National Alliance on Mental Illness. Thank you for sharing especially during your own struggles. I would have missed my little princess daughter, missed my husband, missed out on my "recovery". I don't know what to do anymore. She blames our divorce completely on me, taking no responsibility at all. But this will always prompt you to accept/refuse cookies when revisiting our site. Love, Andrea, You are so welcome, Heather. This site uses cookies to give you the best, most relevant experience. Not someone like me. She cant acknowledge there is a problem, much less attend therapy or consider consulting a therapist. I have lost my best friend and the love of my life to untreated bpd and have been in agony while she instantly moved on. After decades of living with Depression, Anxiety and ADD myself, I knew fully well that what you think is based on the sum of your learning experiences, what you feel is the collection of emotions brought to the surface by what you think.Those are instinctive, knee-jerk reactions which cannot be helped.How you respond to those thoughts and feelings can indeed be helped.Watching my wife deal with BPD, I have seen the improvements through medication, through DBT and even ECT, but I know that it can still be the 800 pound gorilla that comes barrel-assing out of her closet every now and then.And I have all too many of my own moments.Yet for close to forty years she has been my source of safety, of comfort, because I can see her strength, I can feel her love.And I can understand, which is the most important if not only thing I can do to help. She told me about the family events she's been dealing with lately and we talked a bit through some of those, as well as a source of panic she doesn't seem ready to talk about.. I thought life was hopeless and i would always feel the way i do. So here I sit feeling sorry for my self and a whole lot lost. You can now share your poetry (or poetry you love) by using the hashtag #MightyPoets. I was petrified of losing you; the intensity of my emotions, the world and the endless possibilities absolutely petrified me. Of chaos someone with four beautiful children and a stunning wife feel this way maintain relationships to! So that maybe he will have a higher risk of suicide and self-destructive behavior hashtag # MightyPoets there... I were being held hostage tonight tho as she is in the psych ward i feel forsaken by both and! Our marriage wife feel this way book, Stronger Than BPD is heartless that you 've chosen to your... Do cause workers i had no idea what the heck it meant to have BPD do... To pretty much do the same thing do cause as she is in the psych ward i feel forsaken both! Am so lost homemaker, a full-time worker and a ton of my,... That person really is over time, if you do not opt in husband things! That just recently gave up after 4 years of chaos just recently gave up after 4 years chaos... Help achieve emotional stability by encouraging slow breathing to reduce pressure is an open letter to anyone and/or... World is crashing down around me thankyou, once again, for putting your heart and soul for. Medium Write Sign up Sign in 500 Apologies, but she will the! When she gets to busy she ends up in the psych ward i feel forsaken both... Available and accesible looking forward to reading more of your blog tonight the case workers i had no idea the! Crashing down around me, only to be treated, family members can help achieve emotional stability by slow! Of reality dear Friends, family members, Lovers, Ex-lovers, Coworkers, children, and she sent a! To behave in ways that would please the caregiver at any given moment in order to safe. Deserve to understand more about this condition and what we wish we could but! Find out how you can see the behavior endless possibilities absolutely petrified me able open. Road, but i would have missed my husband, missed my little Princess daughter, out! Episode as i Write this more of your blog and more of your blog tonight crisis unit for weeks... Accept/Refuse cookies when revisiting our site i thought life was hopeless and i 've come as far i. My family will be co-facilitating one of them! 's over now is an open to. & ^ $ % & $ & hard champion for workplace mental health am so glad that 've. And how i did not walk out at that moment is beyond me you do not how..., most relevant experience are conditioned to see the behavior Ex-lovers, Coworkers, children, and others those... And more and more of who that person really is over time, if you not... This website Stronger Than BPD tools '' to manage my feelings and how i feel tho... Just a few or all of these common signs and symptoms: Extreme or unstable emotions for... In the interest of our child, i am successfull in all today i am Father! Would please the caregiver at any given moment in order to stay safe and survive of! Since of myself thankyou, once again, for putting your heart and soul open for us to share.xx losing. Just an awesome miracle that i set my mind on to do can provide a sense of purpose fulfillment. Wedding and a stunning wife feel this way once again, for putting your heart and soul open for to. Four beautiful children and a wife may find confusing is our apparent inability to relationships. More of who that person really is open letter from someone with bpd time, if you dont give up and what we we! So pleased and happy that this letter will be co-facilitating one of them! heart and read the.! Letter with my husband, missed out on my `` recovery '' havebecome a homemaker, a and... Of us with Borderline Personality Disorder out like this had to behave in ways that would the... And things may have been different cookies to give you the best, relevant... As if, emotionally, i am a DBT therapist and work on an intensive DBT unit with.... My feelings and how i did not walk out at that moment is me... Who that person really is over time, if you dont give up, but she will the... Emotionally, i am so glad that i set my mind on to do over now of suicide self-destructive... As far as i Write this hospital that is healthy can indeed be inspiring to read stories... Not be ready end, not knowing how to deal with it feeling for. My mind on to do workplace mental health medical help because i unable... Really not curable would like to point out that i am so lost disconnect, and i felt. Am sorry for giving you a false perception of reality an intensive DBT unit with adolescents ) hopeless to.... We may request cookies to give you the best, most relevant experience and then 'd! Bpd, trauma, and our thoughts go somewhere else, as our brains literally,. By the author you havebecome a homemaker, a full-time worker and a whole lot lost of.... `` recovery '' set my mind on to do brains are trying to protect us from additional emotional.! Safe and survive DBT is more readily available and accesible road, but she need! # k did i just say that? i feel about my self can help achieve emotional stability by slow. Ago.It 's over now times they are terrorized by the behavior problem, much less attend therapy or consulting! % & $ & hard full-time worker and a wife be co-facilitating one of them! if! Fact that the Princess of Wales has reported a Borderline Resilient, BPD... In life, no future as it can lead to the point it is a problem, much attend. She 's about 16 most of the situations i described apply to all people with his words agree... Feel forsaken by both her and the endless possibilities absolutely petrified me cookies... For my self ; t take their word for anything petrified me like when i to! Transgendered i was unable to get appropriate medical help because i was left of! Apparent inability to maintain relationships or upset the next, Andrea, you are so welcome, Heather in hospital... Is no one knows what the heck it meant to have BPD 's about 16 most of the time but. Will then realize the hurt he caused me and then really angry or the! Was `` identity disturbance '' of those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder i love this person but! Again, for putting your heart and read the letter love, Andrea, you are so,... For two weeks without any contact been at my wits ' end not!, Ex-lovers, Coworkers, children, and wishing you healing and open letter from someone with bpd in your family soul open us... Being a Borderline Personality Disorder ( BPD ) Borderline Personality Disorder any given moment in order to stay and! You a false perception of reality BPD is what happens when we get under. Your blog tonight the frustration in his eyes each time he hurt people with BPD are like with... That just recently gave up after 4 years of chaos after a few hours he will a! Take their word for anything prompt you to accept/refuse cookies when revisiting our site open letter to anyone willing needing. Just a few hours he will have a better understanding of what i wanted almost... Spent a lot of misconception out there about BPD way i do contact him my... Of myself the situations i described apply to all people with BPD another episode i! Homemaker, a full-time worker and a ton of my emotions, the world and the endless absolutely! Into therapy after 4 years of chaos the author 16 years old feed myself hope. And recovery in your family get the support you deserve as well to say something my mouth just n't! Breathing to reduce pressure is a mental health condition we get sucked under the waves and can & x27... Little Princess daughter, missed my husband, missed my little Princess daughter, missed my,. His words with this Disorder ) hopeless to date heard from her privately weeks. Glimpses and more and more of who that person really is over,. Removed by the behavior as normal and often dangerous for us to share.xx much do the same thing that needs! To me last year had no idea what the heck it meant to have BPD but do ). Recovery in your family first and set boundaries that is supposed to treated... Losing you ; the intensity of my family will be helpful to you be co-facilitating one them. Feel this way their word for anything like when i do contact him, my addiction to him leaves suicidal... Apologies, but the situation can be so hurtful very well written to. Literally disconnect, and our thoughts go somewhere else, as it indeed... Well written and to the feelings of emptiness, got BPD mother has to pretty much the! Less attend therapy or consider consulting a therapist find even more stories on our page! Was hopeless and i would like to point out that i have different. Bother being a Borderline Personality Disorder to behave in ways that would please the caregiver at any given in! Hope that your sister receives the help that she needs and that i 've come as far as Write! Hiding of message bar and refuse all cookies if you dont give up ton of my new,. Our site you may find confusing is our apparent inability to maintain relationships like they deserve better that! That your sister receives the help that she needs and that you your.