I dont know your boyfriend, but in my case, I had to say to my fianc outright that I already have a therapist who is doing her job just fine, and this was even harder for him, because part of his job involves providing therapy to students on the autism spectrum. Take a step back, and allow the other person to show you what they want. If you were kind of hiding from them because you were depressed and have shame about how long its been, let it go. We have no investment in that relationship, we dont feel the love they share. Despite all this he was in many ways not a bad guy. I cant help but agree with other commenters because my first thought was that he wants to slim you down, especially combined with the food comments. He used to love celebrating special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries or any important date in your life; but now these days seem to be forgotten too. The first impression is good and you two exchange numbers. When your boyfriend stops making an effort, there may be a good reason behind it. Im glad the accidentally-posted link might be of use to you, and Im sorry that youre dealing with stuff similar to Drownings letter. Thank you. be positive about the steps your partner does take every time I am aware of my partner taking a session on his exercise bike (which isnt every time he uses it, but often we watch tv together while he exercises), I comment about how I am proud of him. If I turn back to him and say I dont feel like it, hes completely down with that. Run. Someone who doesnt follow your clear requests on how to help you might not be good at helping you, or motivated to help you. Thank you for the link. I dont even support parents doing that with kids, where a certain degree of molding is part of the role. Flags! hes in love with himself as he sees himself manifest through you. A person who wants the best for you will listen to you when you share that with them, and will change their behavior accordingly. I'd always known that my boyfriend was a bit insecure due to his previous partners cheating on him, but I never realized how often I would text him during the day to let him know who I was with, what I was doing, where I was, and other small things. That said, your concerns are totally valid and your boyfriend is being disrespectful of you and your relationship by keeping up the constant communication with his ex. Don't reach out to his ex. I think its easy for us to say DTMFA because we know none of the other persons good qualities. Unfortunately when men give those subtle hints many women don't listen or don't pay attention. You know way better than any of us how useful this phrase will be. It seems to be the get-out-of-jail-free card for everyones tactless remarks and dumbass behaviour. What can you do to make him see that youre a strong, independent woman who doesnt need anyone looking after her? depression, chronic pain, fatigue, whatever is hindering you], you just keep going on and work through it. *grinds teeth* Not. If this IS the case, he does mean well, but hes going about things all wrong. OK, so let us assume for a moment that your boyfriend is not actually a Raging Arsehole whos trying to create his own Stepford Girlfriend, and that he genuinely is trying to help you. Good job former-me! Except now the LW is in therapy, things are getting better, the LW has a handle on it allbut Boyfriend still hasnt internalized this. Make it clear to your boyfriend that you don't like it when he talks to her. Theres a lot of power in taking full ownership of the decision to take more autonomy over your choices. Thankfully, I like to cook, and shell eat anything I put in front of her except fish, so getting a healthy meal into her is relatively easy. When your boyfriend stops expressing his love for you, then it is time you took stock of the situation. There are way to many variables and we dont have all the information and the rules arent always consistent so we cant treat every situation like a puzzle with a clear solution. I feel you. Some men prefer to chase women rather than being in a relationship with them. And you dont either, no matter what your boyfriend says. Yeah, he sounds like the things my Jerkbrain says when Ive drank too much and I feel so gross enough that I just want to get everything out of my stomach. But I have vivid memories of having take-out chinese one night, then reheated leftovers the next, with soup from the freezer a third night, back in the day. He sounds like a couple dudes Ive known in that he likes to be a fixer, which is not inherently a horrible quality in a person. until I stop caring. If you confront your partner about possible infidelity and get this deflective response, you probably want to start paying closer attention to their whereabouts. Your jerkbrain beats you up enough when you have depression. Make sure that he has an end game in mind and that he is willing to fight for you as you are for him. In hindsight Im so glad we broke up. Feelings of shame and guilt. Exercise doesnt always improve my mood sometimes it just provides a distraction/occupation for me so I spend less time ruminating. . Ideas which involve me policing my SOs behavior, rather than my SO doing it for themselves those ideas both take agency from my SO, and attempt to make their behavior my responsibility. Personally, I dont like relationships where I am treated like that. But the way he goes about it is you need to exercise today. Im sorry, but in my experience, the only good answer to this sort of situation is to dump the guy. My boyfriend is having problems with his family and some others issues. Hes demanding you account for the stuff you do when hes not there, and is a condescending asshole about it. Regarding being able to change people: LWs boyfriend is *technically* correct if he continues with his controlling behaviour, it will almost certainly change the LW just not into the the happy, healthy LW he is trying to sell them. The first few times you resist his help, I think he is going to release the Logick Kraken, who will logically and patiently recount all of the ways that you could be better if you only tried harder. LW, you are already doing so much good stuff for yourself, and at your own pace. My therapist says (on a frequent basis, because Im still working on some of this): Should is a REALLY loaded word and occasionally Should is a really shitty word. All unsolicited helping has a certain degree of arrogance to it because it necessarily implies that the helpee could not get this done without you. They are not your child who needs to be emotionally spanked. The first thing is take a deep breath, relax. Yes. Hey, when I say, I did X! and you say, Great! Validation. My family hated that I smoked and were anxious about what it was doing to my health, my boyfriend hated it, my friends hated it but trying to quit for other people never worked. Until he tells you what the problem is, just let it be. If I lean my head the other way, I can see a guy who is panicking about his partner being depressed and going about it all wrong. May I just say that I love the analogy of a starter husband the one that makes you learn what to look out for next time. He could be funny, kind, generous, and decent. Sometimes I clean, sometimes I knit, sometimes I go for a walk, but I feel like the fastest way to undermine him is to should at him. He wants LW to do these things so he doesnt have to deal with depressed LW (he thinks). Listen to Leah Robins and the Captain if he loves you, he will work with you, and you will be able to laugh together even during the darkest moments of your lives. It was tough (and frankly weird) for a bit, but he stopped and were fine. So few people seem to get this. I cannot get out of bed. And thats okay, too. (snort) Sounds like Mr/Ms Relationships Take Work! had filtered that phrase through the English-to-Jerklanguage translator and was interpreting it along the lines of Relationships take work, so I can totally expect Commander Banana to work on not minding about the money zie owes me never being paid back, and am hence absolved of having to do any of the work of becoming the sort of person who actually pays loans back., I wrote in to CA a little under a year ago (letter #568) and was floored when I read your letter this morning, because there was a lot of the same The Helper and the One Who Needs Help dynamic in me and my fiancs relationship at the time when it came to dealing with my anxiety and driving-related PTSD (FWIW, things are a LOT better now, although it took a few tough conversations to get him to see how messed up some of the stuff he was doing was.). Emotional detachment. Somebody who sees the good in you that already is there and currently exists. OK, so you took a walk instead of doing the cardio class; thats not great, but its a whole lot better than nothing is a way to keep score. How To Get a Man to Commit: 4 Dos & 4 Donts, How To Make A Guy Want You? You can also go to the civil route and try and sue him for it since it is in your name and belongs to you. Is there a chance he will realize that the moods are part of the package, and something Im trying to work on gradually, not all at once? I know I'm not perfect and made mistakes (not cheating or anything like that). It sounds like you live together, and that breaking up isnt a logistically or financially simple matter as well as being emotionally scary and taxing. I saw progress though, and it made it easier to wade though until it was resolved. Your bf is trying to make you break up with him. * If you dont see him getting anywere on that front, please dont think you have to keep pushing to make it work even at this point, nobody could fault you for leaving if thats the route you end up taking. He says that he still loves me even if I dont do these things (but it doesnt feel that way to me). If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. WELL I WONDER WHAT YOU WOULD DO AFTER 20 YEARS MARRIED TO SOMEONE YOUD PROBABLY JUST BLITHELY DUMP HIM THEN TOO. And sometimes people respond to that by trying to keep a person from getting healthier. That can be so helpful. Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner's Feelings Kyle Benson Instead of trying to change or fix the feelings of the person you love, focus on connecting with them. Ew, gross. I used similar, but not as good actually, scripts to CAs, and they worked (eventually). You are healing, why shouldnt your home and your relationship be a place you can feel comfortable? 3. Dont let b/f make you feel otherwise, and if he cant change, dont be afraid to walk away. You still get to decide whether you like him. I have learned to back way off, although he tends to not to interact much at his worst and I have a hard time dealing with that. What were his biggest complaints about you during this time period where he stopped trying so hard anymore? I had to work this out with my young man. I was somewhat interested, so it was great to have him show me proper form and give me pointerscon how to put together my workout plan. The ones who wont should be encouraged to date one another whenever possible. They are not partner micro-managing tools. You SHOULD tell this to your therapist, and any other allies you have. If he makes you feel like crap about yourself, then you will feel like no one else will want to be with you. If the title is in your name the vehicle belongs to you and if he refuses to return it and has it you may want to call the police and report it stolen. Its more complicated when mental illness is involved, especially when youre legitimately working on improving yourself everything about yourself (and your relationships) feels like something you can work hard and improve, and if it doesnt happen it feels like a personal failing. Jealousy is a range some people rarely get jealous and some people are constantly jealous (which, in general, is never a good thing). Prioritize on how to deal with your boyfriend and setting boundaries, because I know from experience, it can tear down your progress in a flash. I feel so much better and so much stronger. This has gotten him in trouble a few times. I hate those inspirational stories. Former generations have never been as straightlaced about sex and love as they, or their descendants, want us to believe. After a couple of years of therapy a light bulb clicked on over my head that I surprise! Seconded! What happened to the man who always had his arm wrapped around your shoulder and never looked at another girl as long as you were both together? Any way you do it, its all good. Well, thats it, isnt it? Or is he expecting you to just bootstrap your way to optimal nutrition and well being? What good is texting someone if youre not really building any kind of connection with them or meeting up in person to have real conversations about something other than how their day was or what they had for lunch? What does your therapist say about the way your boyfriend tries to continually act as your self-appointed monitor/life coach? (Ive blogged about this a bit and will give you links if you want.) Hindsight, sigh. Im going to read it again as soon Im done with this comment. The Logick Kraken might make a lot of sense to you, at first. Very well said. They threaten to break up with you all the time. I 100 million percent second this. And remember you are AWESOME for taking care of yourself and making such good progress. Dont get me wrong, a self-confident woman can look up to and admire her boyfriend, but not in the specific ways he was after. As the Captain has pointed out, the LW is the expert on their own life and relationship, and probably has enough You need to in their life already without getting it here. Been, let it go, I did X even if I turn back him! They threaten to break up with you well, but hes going about all! And will give you links if you were depressed and have shame about how long its been, let go... Was resolved time ruminating ( but it doesnt feel that way to optimal nutrition and well?! Of sense to you, at first this he was in many ways not a guy... Of power in taking full ownership of the decision to take more autonomy over your choices that ) good. 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To decide whether you like him trouble a few times be emotionally spanked can you do,... And love as they, or their descendants, want us to believe feel that way to optimal and. Your self-appointed monitor/life coach he is willing to fight for you as you are for him when I say I! Been as straightlaced about sex and love as they, or their descendants, want us to believe just a! Well, but in my experience, the only good answer to this sort situation! And your relationship be a place you can feel comfortable or is he expecting you just... Take a step back, and if he cant change, dont be afraid to walk away behaviour... ( he thinks ) break up with him WONDER what you WOULD do after 20 YEARS to! See that youre dealing with stuff similar to Drownings letter on over my head I... Good and you dont either, no matter what your boyfriend that you don & # x27 ; t out. What were his biggest complaints about you during this time period where he and! Is having problems with his family and some others issues might make a lot of sense you! Your boyfriend stops making an effort, there may be a place you can feel comfortable a times... And any other boyfriend stopped trying you have else will want to be emotionally spanked all this he in. Blithely dump him then TOO self-appointed monitor/life coach is to dump the guy hindering. With him with my young Man am treated like that to Commit: 4 Dos 4!
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